What is a healthy relationship
What does a healthy relationship look like? That is the magic question, right? How do we take a healthy relationship and describe it to someone who has never experienced it? The first part about recognizing a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy relationship is some massive self-reflection. What is the root cause of this discomfort? Is it because they have unresolved issue that are coming up to the surface, such as past unfaithful partners, trust issues, learning to love again etc., or are the issues stemming from you? Are you being honest with yourself and seeing the situation for how it truly is? Sometimes a toxic relationship isn’t our fault, and we have to recognize that and leave. But sometimes we are also the root of this toxic relationship, and we have to change, heal and strive to be better.
A healthy relationship is going to have their fair share of discomforts. We experience fights, financial pains, stress, and pressure from life. But a healthy relationship understands how to cope with those stressors and how to navigate through their lives without redirecting these stresses onto their partners. It is my belief that when we are spiritually whole, we are better able to deal with these stressors and see situations as they truly are, not how we want them to be. When we are aligned with our souls, we see through the illusions and bs that comes with them. A toxic relationship doesn’t want you to see through those illusions. They will fight you every time you try to navigate away, when you challenge them, or when you begin to see the truth.
Healthy or Toxic?
What becomes difficult is how we can feel when we are in a healthy relationship, and when we aren’t. To understand the difference between a partner that is wounded and trying to heal, and a narcissist can be a hard differentiation to make. When we are hurt, and struggling with healing from life, we tend to lash out on those around us, making it hard to get the help we need. Someone who might be exhibiting narcissistic behaviors might not be narcissistic at all, they are just wounded and not healing. When our wounds don’t heal they become festering and painful, thus making us lash out at those around us.
When we are hurt, or when a partner is hurt, we tend to create these illusions that everything is okay. We try our hardest to “fake it until we make it” burying down deep pains, emotions and memories of past situations and past encounters. We continue to try and bury these feelings down, and by doing so we are creating blockages in our spiritual bodies. When these blockages are formed, they don’t go away. These blockages just keep getting bigger and bigger, until we are concreted off from the world. I see this the most in our heart, solar plexus, sacral and root chakras, depending on the root cause of the blockage. These blockages affect all areas of our lives because all of our chakras are connected- just as we are all connected.
So how does this tie into our healthy relationships? Because when we are healthy SPIRITUALLY we can see who is causing the unhealthy relationship because we are completely and honestly self-aware. Is it you, or is it them? If it is you, you now know that you have some deep spiritual healing that you need to process. You can do this through mindfulness, seeking a spiritual healer or a licensed mental health practitioner that is trained in meditation, mindfulness or someone who resonates with you.
Why it's important to be self-aware
If we are self-aware enough to see the situation clearly, we can see our partners pains or spiritual blockages. This is typically hard to do so if you struggle with this, that is okay. Our emotions and our love for the other person skews our perspective and makes it hard to see the true spiritual body of the other person. If you do notice that your partner is going through something, you have to decide how you’re going to proceed. You can choose to just cold turkey leave, walking away without helping them heal or progress on their journey. This is perfectly fine to do and healthy in some circumstances, especially when your partner is abusive, toxic, or hurtful in anyway. You can also choose to set some firm and strict boundaries to help them navigate their journey without turning your back upon them. This can be “friend-zoning” the other person until you feel that they have worked through their problems. But to do this, you are being completely self-less.
You are being self-less because you are truly letting them go. They might not come back to YOU once they go through this process. So by choosing to “friendzone” this person, you aren’t placing them on a shelf for you to “come back to” when you want, how you want. You are cutting the cords between you and them and allowing them to heal and grow without you. And be warned, they might hate you for this! And they might not want you to be a part of their journey forward, and that is okay. The healing journey is in their hands, and if you’re love was true and if your love was meant to be- they will find a way to make it work. They will go through the work of healing and moving forward, but only if you do as well.
When we have a healthy relationship, both partners are growing and evolving together. Neither partner is outshining the other or pushing “superiority” or power on the other. Instead both partners are coexisting as one. Because when we are spiritually healing, aligning, and evolving- we are free of judgements and conditions on our love. When both partners are aligning together, we have the natural ebb and flow of life which just feels natural and good.
When we don’t have that natural ebb and flow, the give and take, yin and yang of life- that is when we find a toxic relationship. We have one partner who is probably always sucking the energy out of another, and one partner that keeps justifying the other partners actions. When we are fighting this flow is when we see toxic relationship forming. These relationships can lead to emotional abuse, physical abuse and deep psychological wounds, traumas and difficulties accepting and sending love in our lives. So how do we tell the difference?
| Toxic | Healthy |
| Knock-down, drag out fights that are meant to establish dominance or “power roles”. | Disagreements that lead to resolutions and accommodations by both parties |
| Shame or Guilt from one partner to get the other to do what they want, when they want, manipulation | Communicating our feelings, intentions, and goals with each other- no manipulation |
| Honeymoon phase filled with joy, happiness, and “the best feeling I’ve ever had”
The lows aren’t tackled as a team, and often times the partner that is feeling imbalanced spiritually will blame the other partner. Often times viewed as a “Me versus the partner + them” instead of “us versus them”. |
Happiness that is embedded into everything you do together. From the stressful and hard events, to the amazing joyous events. You both feel and understand that you are a team, that communicates with each other and navigates the highs and the lows together, happy.
Us Versus Them, Teamwork makes the dream work. |
| Believes the are “naturally happy” and don’t have to work on happiness every day | Understands that happiness comes from with us, and requires self-development, self-esteem and faith in ones self. EACH PARTNER does this. |
| Blockages in heart chakra, root chakra, solar plexus or sacral chakra | Might experience blockages but both partners are aware enough to work through them and heal from past pains. Understands this is a work in progress and each partner gives each other the respect and dignity to work through these blockages. |
| Denies problems in self or in relationship | Acknowledges problems and works through them, either individually or together. |
| Lies, deceit, manipulation, hiding aspects of ones self from their partner or gas lighting (for example, implying that the other partner is cheating because THEY are cheating) | Expressing honesty and concern when situations aren’t going as planned. Communicating feelings of inadequacy or low confidence in the relationship with each other. And sometimes, ending a healthy relationship because it’s TURNING into a toxic one because people are changing. (Change is the only constant in life)
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Determining Healthy vs Toxic
Defining a healthy versus a toxic relationship isn’t an easy task. It’s different for every relationship, culture, and person. But the foundations for a strong relationship are communication, understanding and honesty. Regardless if this relationship is a friendship or a romantic relationship, these same statements remain true. If you are asking yourself “Am I in a toxic relationship?” Here are a few good additional questions to ask yourself:
Why do I feel our relationship is toxic?
When I think of <partner’s name> I think of:
How does <partner> make me feel?
Does <partner> manipulate me?
Am I manipulating <partner>?
Why am I reacting the way I am?
What aspects of myself am I struggling with right now?
What is my role in this situation?
What do I wish I could communicate to my partner?
Am I spiritually in balance?
Am I being honest with myself?
Does it feel toxic?
Does it make me or my partner feel bad, angry or negative?
Do I feel like we are constantly on this cycle? If yes, what could we do to break this cycle?
Meditate on these answers and journal about them. When we are in a healthy relationship, we rarely if ever think “Is this relationship toxic?” mainly because, we rarely have instances that make us think that. Healthy relationships don’t hurt. Just because a relationship is unhealthy, doesn’t mean that it is destined for failure. But you have to know where that line is between “We can heal this together” and “This is abusive, I need to leave now.”
